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23/05/2003, 12:16 PM Barry Chandler Joined on 23/05/2003 Chesterfield Posts 16 The Old Ones Are The Best! After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.    Report

24/05/2003, 7:34 PM Jane Giffould Joined on 18/05/2003 Posts 118 Re: The Old Ones Are The Best! Enjoyed that, it is my level of humour.    Report

28/05/2003, 1:06 AM Peter Welch Joined on 27/05/2003 Posts 4 Re: The Old Ones Are The Best! Its about my level of humour too... and to add to the list from one of our job cards... P: Toilet smells S: Such is the nature of the beast.    Report

28/05/2003, 1:07 AM Peter Welch Joined on 27/05/2003 Posts 4 Re: The Old Ones Are The Best! Its about my level of humour too... and to add to the list from one of our job cards... P: Toilet smells S: Such is the nature of the beast.    Report

11/06/2003, 9:10 AM mike currill Joined on 16/04/2003 Posts 134 Re: The Old Ones Are The Best! another one for the collection. p= sun visor arm too bent to use as hand hold. s=that's how it got that way    Report

19/08/2003, 9:17 PM DawnHunter Joined on 05/04/2003 Posts 50 Re: The Old Ones Are The Best! Try these: A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every year aircraft manufacturers try to add something to their latest models. If they can't add it to the instrument rack, the speed, the handling, or the load carrying capacity, they do the next best thing..... they add it to the price! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ENGINEER: I don't quite know what to say about your aircraft Sir. Let's just put it this way.... If it was a horse, you would have to shoot it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CUSTOMER: Do you remember the aircraft you sold me about two weeks ago? SALESMAN: I do indeed sir. CUSTOMER: Well, would you tell me all about how good it is again.... I'm getting discouraged. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sign seen at refueling point WARNING Do not operate any radio transmitter within 100 metres of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything..... the fuel is! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Susan: So what did your husband say about you giving his GPS to the jumble by mistake? Mary: Shall I leave out the four-letter words? Susan: Please do. Mary: In that case he didn't say a word. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm getting a bit anxious about my aircraft. If I don't trade it in soon, I'll have finished paying for it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old Pilot proverb: One hand on your girlfriend's lap and one on the controls is one too few for either operation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine, married for 20 years, tells me he proposed to his wife while flying across the English Channel. Which only goes to show how dangerous flying can be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does your son fly your aircraft? No, it was like this when I bought it.    Report

22/09/2004, 5:58 PM Orville Wright Joined on 22/09/2004 Posts 2 RE: The Old Ones Are The Best! Quote: Its about my level of humour too... and to add to the list from one of our job cards... P: Toilet smells S: Such is the nature of the beast. Basic Flying Rules: 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.    Report

08/04/2005, 8:50 PM fran fairley Joined on 11/12/2003 Posts 46 RE: The Old Ones Are The Best! on landing the stewardess said "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything please make sure it is something we would like to have.   "there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but are only four ways out of this plane".   From a Southwest Airlines employee."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight xxx to yyy.To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in the public unsupervised"    Report

29/08/2005, 7:59 PM Duncan Appleby Joined on 26/08/2005 Posts 8 RE: The Old Ones Are The Best! Here's my contribution: As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.    Report

28/10/2010, 10:24 PM Aviator|Chris Joined on 28/01/2009 EGBW Posts 378 Re: RE: The Old Ones Are The Best! Quality thread! I'm happy for once that a spammer brought something cool back up to the top!    Report

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